Tag Archives: fear

And Then There Were 4……


We couldn’t be more excited. This pregnancy has been quite the difference experience than we had with Bailey. Some scary beginnings.

We knew we wanted to have kids closer together, and since it had taken a year to get pregnant with Bailey, we weren’t sure what kind of time frame to be expecting. So in May I decided to get off birth control and see what happens. On June 23 I had a positive pregnancy test, the day of my missed period.

I was shocked and ecstatic! I ran to show Adam and we jumped for joy and kissed and hugged and preceded to let close family know. We felt so blessed that it was on the first try! Not having so many months of tears and rejection. I scheduled a doctors apt, and the soonest they had was in August.

Then on the 4th of July, I went to the bathroom and realized I had bleeding, like I would if I were on my period. I froze. Probably just stood there for a good 5 minutes wondering what to think. I had some slight cramping as well that would be usual to my cycle. I cried and cried. Adam and I prayed and he administered a blessing, and we both felt peace and comfort that regardless of this information, everything was okay. I decided to have faith and carry on.

A week or so later I went to the clinic to get on Medicaid for this pregnancy and had to take a pregnancy test. It was negative. Again. Frozen. Confused. The lady reassured me that their tests just weren’t as strong and to come back in a week or so. So I went in a week later. Still negative. I went home and took a test on the ones I had. Negative. I cried and screamed and didnt understand. I felt pregnant. I had had comfort and peace. What is happening???!!!! I didnt want to talk to anyone about it other than Adam. No one really knew what was going on because I was afraid to say it out loud. But again Adam and I prayed and pleaded for some answers and we were again told that everything would be okay and to have faith and endure.

I had a really hard time. I knew with all my heart that this was supposed to happen and that a little person was supposed to join our family. I thought about going to get an early ultrasound or get a blood test done to prove pregnancy. But something always stopped me. This little voice in my heart said I needed to have faith and wait this out until my doctors appointment. Adam and I had some very special feelings and instructions from the Lord during this period of time, so I decided to turn my heart and will to Him and just carry on as if nothing scary had happened.

When we went in for a doctors visit, I told them the date I had assumed my last period was (before the bleeding happened and on the day I had had that first pregnancy positive) and they said I should be 12 weeks. They prepped me for the ultrasound and come to find out…I was only 6 weeks. I wasn’t miscarrying or anything like that, just that I was only 6 weeks along. I was shocked. I should be 12 weeks from that first positive. What did this mean? Did I miscarry before?

I don’t know what the answer was. But I do know this. I am grateful. I am grateful that I was able to have Adam with me. I am grateful that we were actually pregnant even if we were not as far as I calculated. I am grateful that I hadn’t tried other means of proving pregnancy because it would have come out as negative, and I don’t think my heart could have taken it. I am grateful for the faith I have and for the ability to have personal revelation from the Lord.

I had planned to announce today after my ultrasound all along…but seeing the new information, I went back and forth with if I should. But I am ready to celebrate. I am ready to shout it to the rooftops! I have peace in knowing this is right and that things will be okay. So I am jumping in with both feet.

WE ARE PREGNANT! Due April 12, 2016. Just 8 days before Bailey’s 2nd birthday. I cant freaking wait.

baby2 (And yes. I think this picture is perfect. Bailey was eating a tortilla and was angry, and Adam and I were just going with the flow. Totally different then how I had planned this picture for weeks….but such is life. I love our life.)

These are our Bits O’ Bertoch.

Cassie Bertoch


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My Executive Decision

…with help from others.

This has been a very rough week for me. With my classes picking up and waking up early and doing all of my homework and such, the last thing I want to deal with is things going haywire at work. I have been trying my HARDEST to learn everything I can, and I realized that the person before me had this job 40 hours a week, 8 hours a day…and I was trying to do everything in 10 hours a week and 2 hours a day. I was drowning. I felt a bit misguided in what my work load was going to be. I had sooo many responsibilities and I was trying so hard to get everything right. My boss was probably the scariest boss I have ever had in my life…and I have had some interesting bosses. I came home from work almost in tears and emotional rattled everyday. I wouldnt want to do my hw! I am so close to graduation that I cant afford to let my grades suffer. I know Adam has been actively looking for a job, and I know he felt so bad for me coming home everyday miserable and emotional exhausted. I couldnt do it anymore…it wasnt worth it.

So I decided to quit.

I had such an ethical dilemma going on inside my head. I am not a quitter….not with things like work or school…(piano may have gone by the wayside…*cough*) but with this kind of thing, I NEVER give up. It was gut wrenching because I just felt like I was drowning and having anxiety every night about if I got everything done…at work! Not even at school! I was thinking more about work than anything else…and I knew if I stayed any longer, my grades would suffer. Credit load, this is probably going to be one of the toughest semesters because of all the upper classes I am taking.

I had a conversation with my dad and it helped me so much. He told me to prioritize the right things in my life and that quitting a losing team, is really winning. Adam was telling me too that he respects the people who know when it is better for them to walk away….

So I am now done with the Rexburg Standard Journal. I worked my last day today other than a day of training for whoever they decide to replace me with. It was so scary telling my boss. (Adam came with me so she wouldnt freak out…and believe it or not she was the nicest I have probably ever seen her been…haha…I saw this woman chew out a man who wanted to quit because his mom was possibly dying…yeah…needless to say I was a little bit clammy going into her office). But I did it!

Tonight I have had the most wonderful evening with my husband all cuddled up on the couch continuing our Harry Potter marathon. I even have all of my homework done. I am not looking back. I learned so many things already from this experience and what I should and shouldnt have to deal with.

And on the upside…it taught me to organize even more! I didnt know that was possible haha! Im expecting some high GPA numbers this semester 🙂

Thank you to all those who supported me in this decision. I will sleep good tonight.

These are our Bits O’ Bertoch.

Cassie Bertoch

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